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100 Best Humor Quotes Ever

100 Best Humor Quotes Ever

“Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I’m not sure about the universe.” ― Albert Einstein

“So many books, so little time.” ― Frank Zappa

“You only live once, but if you do it right, once is enough.” ― Mae West

“Insanity is doing the same thing, over and over again, but expecting different results.” ― Narcotics Anonymous, Narcotics Anonymous

“The person, be it gentleman or lady, who has not pleasure in a good novel, must be intolerably stupid.” ― Jane Austen

“Outside of a dog, a book is man’s best friend. Inside of a dog it’s too dark to read.” ― Groucho Marx, The Essential Groucho: Writings For By And About Groucho Marx

“A day without sunshine is like, you know, night.” ― Steve Martin

“Never put off till tomorrow what may be done day after tomorrow just as well”.  From: “More Maxims of Mark” ― Mark Twain

“I love deadlines. I love the whooshing noise they make as they go by.” ― Douglas Adams, The Salmon of Doubt

“Anyone who thinks sitting in church can make you a Christian must also think that sitting in a garage can make you a car.” ― Garrison Keillor

“Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea.” ― Robert A. Heinlein

“Beauty is in the eye of the beholder and it may be necessary from time to time to give a stupid or misinformed beholder a black eye.” ― Jim Henson

“Whenever I feel the need to exercise, I lie down until it goes away.” ― Paul Terry

“I’m not afraid of death; I just don’t want to be there when it happens.” ― Woody Allen

“The difference between genius and stupidity is; genius has its limits.” ― Albert Einstein

“Saying ‘I notice you’re a nerd’ is like saying, ‘Hey, I notice that you’d rather be intelligent than be stupid, that you’d rather be thoughtful than be vapid, that you believe that there are things that matter more than the arrest record of Lindsay Lohan. Why is that?’ In fact, it seems to me that most contemporary insults are pretty lame. Even ‘lame’ is kind of lame. Saying ‘You’re lame’ is like saying ‘You walk with a limp.’ Yeah, whatever, so does 50 Cent, and he’s done all right for himself.” ― John Green

“All you need is love. But a little chocolate now and then doesn’t hurt.” ― Charles M. Schulz

“I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book.” ― Groucho Marx

“The story so far: In the beginning the Universe was created. This has made a lot of people very angry and been widely regarded as a bad move.” ― Douglas Adams, The Restaurant at the End of the Universe

“The trouble with having an open mind, of course, is that people will insist on coming along and trying to put things in it.” ― Terry Pratchett, Diggers

“I love mankind … it’s people I can’t stand!!” ― Charles M. Schulz, The Complete Peanuts, Vol. 5: 1959-1960

“Reality continues to ruin my life.” ― Bill Watterson, The Complete Calvin and Hobbes

“Remember, we’re madly in love, so it’s all right to kiss me anytime you feel like it.” ― Suzanne Collins, The Hunger Games

“Go to heaven for the climate and hell for the company.” ― Mark Twain

“I am free of all prejudice. I hate everyone equally. ” ― W.C. Fields

“Some people never go crazy. What truly horrible lives they must lead.” ― Charles Bukowski

“The reason I talk to myself is because I’m the only one whose answers I accept.” ― George Carlin

“Be nice to nerds. You may end up working for them. We all could.” ― Charles J. Sykes, Dumbing Down Our Kids: Why American Children Feel Good About Themselves But Can’t Read, Write, or Add

“A lady’s imagination is very rapid; it jumps from admiration to love, from love to matrimony in a moment.” ― Jane Austen, Pride and Prejudice

“Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.” ― Mark Twain

“Have you ever noticed how ‘What the hell’ is always the right decision to make?” ― Terry Johnson, Insignificance

“The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four people is suffering from a mental illness. Look at your 3 best friends. If they’re ok, then it’s you.” ― Rita Mae Brown

“Creativity is knowing how to hide your sources” ― Albert Einstein

“Do you remember me telling you we are practicing non-verbal spells, Potter?” “Yes,” said Harry stiffly. “Yes, sir.” “There’s no need to call me “sir” Professor.” The words had escaped him before he knew what he was saying.” ― J.K. Rowling, Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince

“I can’t go back to yesterday because I was a different person then.” ― Lewis Carroll, Alice in Wonderland

“All God does is watch us and kill us when we get boring. We must never, ever be boring.” ― Chuck Palahniuk, Invisible Monsters

“I don’t want to be a man,” said Jace. “I want to be an angst-ridden teenager who can’t confront his own inner demons and takes it out verbally on other people instead.” “Well,” said Luke, “you’re doing a fantastic job.” ― Cassandra Clare, City of Ashes

“Jesus!” Luke exclaimed. “Actually, it’s just me,” said Simon. “Although I’ve been told the resemblance is startling.” ― Cassandra Clare

“Life’s hard. It’s even harder when you’re stupid.” ― John Wayne

“Give a man a fire and he’s warm for a day, but set fire to him and he’s warm for the rest of his life.” ― Terry Pratchett, Jingo

“I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that I don’t know the answer” ― Douglas Adams

“Two wrongs don’t make a right, but they make a good excuse.” ― Thomas Stephen Szasz

“There’s a fine line between genius and insanity. I have erased this line.” ― Oscar Levant

“When you’re in jail, a good friend will be trying to bail you out. A best friend will be in the cell next to you saying, ‘Damn, that was fun’.” ― Groucho Marx

“When you are courting a nice girl an hour seems like a second. When you sit on a red-hot cinder a second seems like an hour. That’s relativity.” ― Albert Einstein

“He can run faster than Severus Snape confronted with shampoo.” ― J.K. Rowling, Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows

“Fate is like a strange, unpopular restaurant filled with odd little waiters who bring you things you never asked for and don’t always like.” ― Lemony Snicket

“Some humans would do anything to see if it was possible to do it. If you put a large switch in some cave somewhere, with a sign on it saying ‘End-of-the-World Switch. PLEASE DO NOT TOUCH’, the paint wouldn’t even have time to dry.” ― Terry Pratchett, Thief of Time

“Mr. Moony presents his compliments to Professor Snape, and begs him to keep his abnormally large nose out of other people’s business. Mr. Prongs agrees with Mr. Moony, and would like to add that Professor Snape is an ugly git. Mr. Padfoot would like to register his astonishment that an idiot like that ever became a professor. Mr. Wormtail bids Professor Snape good day, and advises him to wash his hair, the slimeball.” ― J.K. Rowling, Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban

“You know the world is going crazy when the best rapper is a white guy, the best golfer is a black guy, the tallest guy in the NBA is Chinese, the Swiss hold the America’s Cup, France is accusing the U.S. of arrogance, Germany doesn’t want to go to war, and the three most powerful men in America are named “Bush”, “Dick”, and “Colin.” Need I say more?” ― Chris Rock

“If the world were merely seductive, that would be easy. If it were merely challenging, that would be no problem. But I arise in the morning torn between a desire to improve the world and a desire to enjoy the world. This makes it hard to plan the day.” ― E.B. White

“Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than going to a garage makes you an automobile.” ― Billy Sunday, Billy Sunday, the Man and His Message: With His Own Words Which Have Won Thousands for Christ

“Death’s got an Invisibility Cloak?” Harry interrupted again. “So he can sneak up on people,” said Ron. “Sometimes he gets bored of running at them, flapping his arms and shrieking…” ― J.K. Rowling, Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows

“Reader, suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Congress. But I repeat myself.” ― Mark Twain

“Never memorize something that you can look up.” ― Albert Einstein

“Substitute ‘damn’ every time you’re inclined to write ‘very;’ your editor will delete it and the writing will be just as it should be.” ― Mark Twain

“I do not want people to be very agreeable, as it saves me the trouble of liking them a great deal.” ― Jane Austen, Jane Austen’s Letters

“I like work: it fascinates me. I can sit and look at it for hours.” ― Jerome K. Jerome

“Do you remember back at the hotel when you promised that if we lived, you’d get dressed up in a nurse’s outfit and give me a sponge bath?” asked Jace. “It was Simon who promised you the sponge bath.” “As soon as I’m back on my feet, handsome,” said Simon. “I knew we should have left you a rat.” ― Cassandra Clare, City of Bones

“It means ‘Shadowhunters: Looking Better in Black Than the Widows of our Enemies Since 1234′.” ― Cassandra Clare, City of Bones

“I generally avoid temptation unless I can’t resist it.” ― Mae West

“Where is human nature so weak as in the bookstore?” ― Henry Ward Beecher

“When his life was ruined, his family killed, his farm destroyed, Job knelt down on the ground and yelled up to the heavens, “Why god? Why me?” and the thundering voice of God answered, There’s just something about you that pisses me off.” ― Stephen King, Storm of the Century: An Original Screenplay

“There are two motives for reading a book; one, that you enjoy it; the other, that you can boast about it.” ― Bertrand Russell

“If at first you don’t succeed, try, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it.” ― W.C. Fields

“There is a theory which states that if ever anyone discovers exactly what the Universe is for and why it is here, it will instantly disappear and be replaced by something even more bizarre and inexplicable. There is another theory which states that this has already happened.” ― Douglas Adams, The Restaurant at the End of the Universe

“The planet is fine. The people are fucked.” ― George Carlin

“Happiness is a warm puppy.” ― Charles M. Schulz

“I don’t know the question, but sex is definitely the answer.” ― Woody Allen

“Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana.” ― Anthony G. Oettinger

“It is hard enough to remember my opinions, without also remembering my reasons for them!” ― Friedrich Nietzsche

“If a cluttered desk is a sign of a cluttered mind, of what, then, is an empty desk a sign?” ― Albert Einstein

“I did not attend his funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it.” ― Mark Twain

“Fantasy is a necessary ingredient in living, it’s a way of looking at life through the wrong end of a telescope.” ― Dr. Seuss

“So, please, oh please, we beg, we pray, go throw your TV set away, and in its place you can install, a lovely bookcase on the wall.” ― Roald Dahl

“I have great faith in fools – self-confidence my friends will call it.” ― Edgar Allan Poe, Marginalia

“That does it,” said Jace. “I’m going to get you a dictionary for Christmas this year.” “Why?” Isabelle said. “So you can look up ‘fun.’ I’m not sure you know what it means.” ― Cassandra Clare, City of Ashes

“I was gratified to be able to answer promptly, and I did. I said I didn’t know.” ― Mark Twain

“Percy wouldn’t notice a joke if it danced naked in front of him wearing one of Dobby’s hats.” ― J.K. Rowling, Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire

“I love to see a young girl go out and grab the world by the lapels. Life’s a bitch. You’ve got to go out and kick ass.” ― Maya Angelou

“Religion has actually convinced people that there’s an invisible man living in the sky who watches everything you do, every minute of every day. And the invisible man has a special list of ten things he does not want you to do. And if you do any of these ten things, he has a special place, full of fire and smoke and burning and torture and anguish, where he will send you to live and suffer and burn and choke and scream and cry forever and ever ’til the end of time!  But He loves you. He loves you, and He needs money! He always needs money! He’s all-powerful, all-perfect, all-knowing, and all-wise, somehow just can’t handle money!” ― George Carlin

“My tastes are simple: I am easily satisfied with the best.” ― Winston S. Churchill

“I think God, in creating man, somewhat overestimated his ability.” ― Oscar Wilde

“Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city.” ― George Burns

“You haven’t got a letter on yours,” George observed. “I suppose she thinks you don’t forget your name. But we’re not stupid-we know we’re called Gred and Forge.” ― J.K. Rowling, Harry Potter and the Sorcerer’s Stone

“Mom says it’s because she has PMS. Do you even know what that means? “I’m not a little kid anymore. It means pissed-at- men syndrome” ― Nicholas Sparks, The Last Song

“I’d said it before and meant it: Alive or undead, the love of my life was a badass.” ― Richelle Mead, Blood Promise

“I have something I need to tell you,” he says. I run my fingers along the tendons in his hands and look back at him. “I might be in love with you.” He smiles a little. “I’m waiting until I’m sure to tell you, though.” “That’s sensible of you,” I say, smiling too. “We should find some paper so you can make a list or a chart or something.” I feel his laughter against my side, his nose sliding along my jaw, his lips pressing my ear. “Maybe I’m already sure,” he says, “and I just don’t want to frighten you.” I laugh a little. “Then you should know better.” “Fine,” he says. “Then I love you.” ― Veronica Roth, Divergent

“It is said that your life flashes before your eyes just before you die. That is true, it’s called Life.” ― Terry Pratchett, The Last Continent

“I never travel without my diary. One should always have something sensational to read in the train.” ― Oscar Wilde, The Importance of Being Earnest

“The fact that we live at the bottom of a deep gravity well, on the surface of a gas covered planet going around a nuclear fireball 90 million miles away and think this to be normal is obviously some indication of how skewed our perspective tends to be.” ― Douglas Adams, The Salmon of Doubt: Hitchhiking the Galaxy One Last Time

“Investigation?” Isabelle laughed. “Now we’re detectives? Maybe we should all have code names.” “Good idea,” said Jace. “I shall be Baron Hotschaft Von Hugenstein.” ― Cassandra Clare, City of Bones

“Tell the truth, or someone will tell it for you.” ― Stephanie Klein, Straight Up and Dirty: A Memoir

“Never let your sense of morals prevent you from doing what is right.” ― Isaac Asimov, Foundation

“Only a true best friend can protect you from your immortal enemies.” ― Richelle Mead, Vampire Academy

“Right now I’m having amnesia and déjà vu at the same time. I think I’ve forgotten this before.” ― Steven Wright

“I suppose I’ll have to add the force of gravity to my list of enemies.” ― Lemony Snicket, The Penultimate Peril

“Why are they all staring?” demanded Albus as he and Rose craned around to look at the other students. “Don’t let it worry you,” said Ron. “It’s me. I’m extremely famous.” ― J.K. Rowling, Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows

“Begin at the beginning,” the King said, very gravely, “and go on till you come to the end: then stop.” ― Lewis Carroll, Alice in Wonderland

“Think left and think right and think low and think high. Oh, the thinks you can think up if only you try!” ― Dr. Seuss